Attachment and Bonding: What Every Adoptive Parent Should Know

Attachment and Bonding: What Every Adoptive Parent Should Know

Attachment and Bonding: What Every Adoptive Parent Should Know

The adoption process involves three distinct groups: the birth family (particularly the birth mother), the adoptive couple, and the child they share. Together, they’re often referred to as a triad. 


According to the Adoption Network, 95% of adoptions today are either semi-open or open. However, misperceptions still surround open adoption. People question whether an adopted child can understand the difference between a birth parent and an adoptive parent. Will a birth mother be able to heal if she has contact, and would adoptive parents fear losing their child?

 

Let’s take a closer look at why an open adoption helps every member of the triad, and how to plan one if you’re considering adoption for your child.


What Is Open Adoption?

Adoption is a deeply personal decision for everyone, particularly an expectant mother or birth mother. She must decide what amount of contact benefits her healing. 

 

There are various levels of openness in adoption. Generally, an open adoption means that the birth parent(s) and adoptive family maintain some form of ongoing contact before, during, and after placement. 

 

They may share full names and addresses, phone numbers, or email addresses to contact one another. Depending on their proximity, they can also schedule in-person visits.

 

Most adoption agencies, including Adoption Angels, require the adoptive parents to remain in contact with the birth family for a specific amount of time. 

 

At Adoption Angels, we ask our adoptive families to send photos and letters each month for the first six months, and continue uploading images to a Google Photos account at least twice a year until the child is 18.

 

The adoptive family and the birth family can discuss further contact in addition to what is required. 


Is Open Adoption Good for the Birth Mother?

According to a study published in the National Library of Medicine, openness positively and significantly impacts a birth mother’s satisfaction with the adoption process and her post-adoption adjustment. 

 

Having an ongoing relationship with the adoptive family and her child assures her that her child is safe and loved, and that she made the right decision. She can explain to her child her reasons for choosing adoption and emphasize that she made the decision out of love.


Does Open Adoption Help a Child?

Adoptees should benefit the most from an open adoption. The child grows up knowing why their birth mothers chose adoption. Learning about their heritage, culture, and extended birth family helps them develop a stronger sense of identity. 

 

Knowing their birth family helps them correlate the nature vs. nurture conflict by answering questions like: “Why am I good at art and my adoptive parents aren’t?” or “Why do I like pick-up trucks and country music and my adoptive parents don’t?”


How Do Adoptive Parents Benefit From Open Adoption?

Adoptive parents have a firmer foundation for answering their child’s questions when they have a birth family relationship. In one study, adoptive parents had more positive feelings about the birth mother when they had ongoing contact. 

 

Knowing their birth mothers personally gave them more empathy and opened more opportunities to talk with their child about adoption and their emotional development.


Choosing Open Adoption

An open or semi-open adoption creates a special connection between birth and adoptive families, but that contact requires transparency and trust on everyone’s part. Openness provides less room for secrecy, and adoption becomes a healthier choice.

 

If you would like to pursue an open or semi-open adoption for your child, we can assist you in creating a written plan. You have the freedom to select the adoptive parents for your child and the amount of contact you want.

 

There is no “right” or “wrong” choice. Your adoption plan is personal, deeply personal. Only you know what’s best for you and your child. We can help facilitate your desires and assist you in finding the right family.

 

To learn more about adoption and the various plans, contact Adoption Angels. You can fill out our confidential online contact form or call or text us 24/7 at (210) 227-2229. 

 

Your peace and future matter to us. Let us help you find the path that’s right for you.


Most parents long for a close and loving relationship with their child or children. For those with biological children, the connection begins long before the baby is born. 

 

For adoptive parents, however, building a bond and creating a familial attachment takes special attention. It doesn’t always come naturally. 

 

At Adoption Angels, we understand the unique challenges adoptive parents have in bonding with their child. Whether you met at the moment of birth, weeks or months later, or you’ve adopted an older child, learning how to bond is critical. 


Is It Possible to Not Bond With Your Adopted Child?

As potential adoptive parents, you’ve most likely suffered through infertility, worked tirelessly to meet the requirements for adoption qualification, and waited for a birth mother to choose you. How is it possible that when a baby is placed in your arms, you don’t feel an immediate love and connection?

 

Not experiencing instant bonding with your newly adopted baby is not uncommon. You’ve missed out on the pregnancy experience and the joy of bringing a new life into the world. It’s natural to feel a sense of disconnection. 

 

Adoptive parents have a unique learning curve with every child they adopt. There needs to be a concerted effort to bond.


Why Do You Have to Work at Bonding?

Interestingly, a vice president for Counselling and Care Ministries at Focus on the Family Canada told every adoptive parent that all adopted children have experienced a disrupted attachment. 

 

No matter when they come into your home, your adopted children already know a separation from all things familiar. For some, that biological separation caused what one author referred to as a “primal wound.”

 

They’ve come to you with a sense of rejection and abandonment. Your child may not be able to express the loss, but they feel insecure and ultimately fear rejection again.

 

As a greater understanding of fetal development comes to light, it makes sense that an adopted child would struggle. They’ve heard their birth mother’s voice and heartbeat, experienced the same foods she did, and even felt her emotions. 

 

Once born, the familiar is gone, and they need to readjust to the “new normal.” Like their adoptive parents, they enter a unique learning curve.


What Are Techniques for Greater Attachment and Bonding?

Attachment and bonding are actually two different aspects of a parent-child relationship. Bonding is an unconditional action an adult takes toward a child, whereas attachment is the conditional action a child takes toward an adult when they feel safe.

 

Here are some essential tools to encourage the attachment process.


Predictability

All children require care and nurturing, but they also need structure. Establish a regular schedule for naps. Create a consistent evening routine, such as taking a bath, reading a book, or praying. Predictability helps children feel secure.

 

Playful Interactions

Quality time spent with your children goes a long way in making them feel loved and nurtured. Whether it’s fun play, a sincere hug, or simply being together, these activities encourage attachment.

 

Responsive Caregiving

You automatically meet your child’s needs when it comes to food, diaper changing, or when they’re tired. It’s also essential to meet their emotional needs. Offering reassurance regularly helps a child trust you and your quick response to their needs.


How Can Adoption Angels Assist Us?

The team at Adoption Angels has over 50 years of combined experience in the area of adoption. We provide educational resources to support adoptive parents before they bring their baby home and offer counseling and support groups afterwards.

 

If you are a couple interested in pursuing adoption, please complete our form. We will then email you an information packet and instructions to help you get started. 

 

Adoption is a journey, and we’re eager to walk alongside you every step of the way.

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By Brittany Carvalho December 13, 2024
Hello & Thank You , Just saying thank you isn't enough for us to express our gratitude for considering us to be adoptive parents. We cannot begin to understand how difficult this decision is and that it is not taken lightly. No matter your decision, you are in our thoughts and prayers. We are Amanda and Spencer. We have been together over ten years and have been married for three. From the very beginning of our relationship, we talked about starting a family, but God had different plans for us. Unfortunately, Amanda has faced health challenges that have led to infertility, which won't allow us to have our own biological children. Adoption has touched both our lives in meaningful ways. Spencer's mother was adopted, and she is ecstatic that we are pursuing this path. In addition, Spencer has two adopted cousins, and I have one as well. Both of our families are loving and supportive of our decision, and we are all ready to share unconditional love with a child. Since we both have relatives who were adopted, we believe it is important for your child to understand their adoption story from the very beginning. We look forward to sharing with your child just how special they and their birth family are to us. The relationship between a child and their birth family is significant, and we strongly support an open adoption. There is no such thing as too many people to love and support a child. Raised in the Catholic faith, we plan to instill the same values in our future child. We cherish faith, family, community, friendships, and love, and we will teach the importance of hard work and the achievements it can bring. With both our families and friends nearby, your child will be surrounded by a loving network of support. Thank you for the time to read our story and consider us as potential adoptive parents. We wish you peace on this journey and the very best for you and your child. Sincerely, Spencer & Amanda
By Brittany Carvalho December 5, 2024
Hello & Thank You , Thank you for giving us the opportunity to share a glimpse into our lives. First and foremost, we want to express our deepest gratitude, as being considered in your adoption journey means more to us than you may know. The love you have for your child is undeniable. Though we cannot know the challenges you are facing in making this decision, your love, strength, and courage stand out the most. We truly admire you. We are Luke and Cassi and our four-legged fur baby, Sully. We’ve been together for 16 years and married for 3. After years of infertility, adoption feels like the right path for us. From a young age, we always knew adoption would be part of our journey, and now, after much anticipation, we’re filled with excitement and hope. We truly believe the younger versions of us would be proud of the direction life has taken, and we are eager to open our hearts and home to a child. Adoption is a lifelong bond, and we promise to cherish it. We are committed to creating a safe, loving, and nurturing home where your child can grow, explore, and thrive. We will inspire curiosity, embrace individuality, and encourage them to follow their dreams. We will also surround your child with the people who will love them through life’s challenges and triumphs. Our home will be filled with love, laughter, and family traditions, including cozy nights by the fire, bedtime stories, adventures in our camper, and Sundays by the pool. They would always be encouraged to be their true selves, follow their passions, respect themselves and others, and always know they are valued. We will teach them kindness, empathy, and the importance of family. Most importantly, we will always talk openly and lovingly about the love and sacrifice that led you to choose adoption. We want your child to know how deeply they are loved, both by us and by you. Thank you again for taking the time to get to know us. If we have the opportunity to meet in the future, we would be excited to learn more about you. We know this is not an easy decision, and we are grateful for your consideration. We are keeping you in our thoughts and sending you strength and peace during this time. Sincerely, Luke & Cassi
By Brittany Carvalho December 1, 2024
Hello & Thank You , Our names are Zack and Lindsay, and we are so grateful that you're considering us to be a potential part of your adoption plan. We can't imagine how hard this is for you or what you're going through. We do understand there’s no way for us to truly grasp the weight of your decision, but we respect and admire your strength and courage. Through this letter and this book, we want to share a little about ourselves with you. We met in 2008, and it was love at first sight. After 6 months of dating, we got engaged and married in 2010. We knew early on in our marriage that we wanted to explore adoption to build a family, and we had lots of love to give. Over time, we grew together, strengthened our love, and prepared our lives and our home to provide a caring, nurturing environment for a new addition to our family. Our adoption journey was difficult due to our issues with infertility, but our motivation to adopt comes from a place of love and a desire to share that love by growing our family. In 2022, we were blessed with adopting a beautiful baby boy, Atlas, who is the light of our lives. It has been our privilege to watch him grow, learn, change, and develop. He’s shown us how wonderful and rewarding adoption can be, motivating us to continue our adoption journey. We have so much respect and admiration for Atlas's birth mom. We regularly share pictures and updates of all Atlas’s changes and activities, and we make sure that he’s aware that we’re sending updates to his birth mom so that as he grows, we can continue to share his adoption story with him. We feel it’s so important that Atlas’s birth mom gets to watch him develop, and we want you to know that we are open to whatever contact you would like. As a family, we want to honor and respect Atlas’s heritage, and one way we’re doing that is by learning Spanish together. Atlas attends a Spanish-speaking school, and we are learning Spanish along with him. We are both driven and have many hobbies, including physical and outdoor activities, reading, cooking, and continuing education. For us, raising children means bringing the most important people in the world along with us on new adventures and learning new skills. We hope this book gives you a look into our lives, who we are as people, who we are as a couple, and who we are as a family. We are thinking of you and wish you well in all you do. Thank you for taking the time to get to know us. Sincerely, Zack & Lindsay
By Brittany Carvalho November 28, 2024
Hello & Thank You , Thank you for taking the time to view our photobook and consider us as adoptive parents for your baby. We are so excited to be adopting a baby and finally becoming parents. We know you will follow your heart and make the best choice in selecting the family for your baby to join. We are Kristin and Mark, and we have been together since November 2020, married in April 2022. When we first started dating, I shared with Mark that because of my reproductive issues, having a biological child might not be possible. He was very understanding and supportive and open to adoption as a way to start our family. Mark and I are surrounded by a huge support system on both of our sides, who cannot wait to have another child join the family. We have lots of nieces and nephews who are anxiously awaiting the arrival of a new cousin to play with. Our parents are looking forward to having another grandchild to spoil. Your child will be raised in a loving Christian home, guided by values of kindness, compassion, integrity, and the importance of family. They will be loved unconditionally and always have unwavering family support in all they choose to endeavor. We look forward to sharing our love of sports and music while encouraging them to explore their own passions. As we continue deepening our faith, we are committed to becoming more involved in church and look forward to attending regularly as a family. While growing up, we both dreamt of one day having our own family and a child to call us Mom and Dad. We can’t begin to understand how difficult this decision is for you. We are praying for strength and clarity during this time and know you will make the best decision. Thank you again for considering us to be the adoptive parents for your baby. It means the world to us. Sincerely, Mark & Kristin
By Brittany Carvalho November 26, 2024
Hello & Thank You , We know your brain must be on absolute overload right now, but we’d like to take up just a little of your time. We’ll get to the introductions soon, but first, there’s something important we want you to know. We realize this process might not be what you envisioned, but if you choose us to be your child’s adoptive parents, we promise (and we don’t take this word lightly) that they will always know their story and where they come from. More than anything, we hope this can be the start of a lifelong connection, one where you remain a part of their life and ours, for the journey ahead. Now for the introductions. We are Courtney and Miguel, and we live in Wisconsin with our two dogs, Sumo and Delta. We met in college, became friends, and the rest is history. We’ve been together for 14 years and married for 10 years. Adoption has always been a topic of conversation throughout our marriage and has always been our “Plan A” rather than “Plan B.” Miguel was born and raised in Costa Rica, so we know the importance of learning and celebrating your heritage. Because Spanish is such an important part of his culture and family life, we plan to raise our child bilingual. We’re excited to share the language, traditions, and stories I grew up with, and to help them build strong connections with their heritage. One of the phrases that we find to be an important theme in our lives and relationships is “say what you are feeling out loud.” For both of us, communication is key in everything we do. We hope to partner with you in this journey, and we are willing to meet you wherever you feel most comfortable in terms of openness. All our best, Miguel & Courtney
By Brittany Carvalho November 25, 2024
Hello & Thank You , Thank you for taking the time to learn about us. We can only imagine the love, strength, and courage it takes to create an adoption plan, and we want you to know how much we admire and respect you for it. How do you find the words to write to someone you have not yet met, but already feel such deep love and gratitude for? The opportunity you are providing to help create a family that otherwise would not be is something we will never take for granted. We are truly honored to be considered as potential parents for your child, and we hold this moment with the utmost respect. We are Matthew and Lauren. We met in 2018, and on our very first date, we were already dreaming about having a family. We married in 2021 and quickly began planning to grow our little family. We have two dogs, Olly and Marvel, who we know would love a sibling to play with and protect. After learning that Lauren could not get pregnant, we realized that this was God’s way of guiding us toward something just as beautiful — adoption. Adoption holds deep meaning for us. Matt and his brother were both adopted as young children, and he has always known it would be part of his story, too. We are both incredibly grateful to have loving and supportive families behind us as we grow our family through adoption. From the very beginning, our parents, siblings, and extended families have cheered us on with open hearts. They are all so excited to welcome a new child into our lives and cannot wait to share in the joy. This book is a glimpse into our lives - who we are, the life we’ve built together, and the life we hope to share with a child. We hope you feel the love, laughter, and stability that surround us and our home. If we are chosen, we will raise your child with endless love, support, and a deep respect for where they came from- you! We will speak your name with honor and ensure that your child grows up knowing their story began with love. Sincerely, Matthew & Lauren
By Brittany Carvalho November 24, 2024
Hello & Thank You , We Are Matt, Brittni, Braelyn, and Noah! So, who are we really? We are an "always on the go, planning countless trips to the waterpark" type of family. We're full of joy and laughter, and we treat every day as a blessing. Whether it's making a late-night ice cream run in our jammies or cozying up for bedtime snuggles, we savor the simple moments together. We're excited to add another member to our crew and share more Disney adventures, backyard campfires, morning coffee and muffins, and all the love we have to offer. Our journey hasn't always been easy, but it has deepened our relationship and strengthened our faith. From a young age, adoption was something we talked about, prayed for, and felt called to pursue. We've been blessed to have loved ones in our family who are adopted, and we know firsthand how love transcends all circumstances, unconditional and boundless. Coming from large families with close-knit sibling and parent relationships, we've always known we wanted children to fill our hearts and home.  We have one biological child, Braelyn, who fills our lives with indescribable joy. After complications following Braelyn's birth and the life-saving measures that were needed, we are unable to carry another child. After years of prayers, opening our hearts to foster children, and difficult decisions, God led us to pursue adoption. In 2022, we were blessed beyond measure to welcome our sweet little guy, Noah, into our family through adoption. His arrival forever changed our lives in the best possible way, and we are so thankful to have him and his birth family as part of our story. As parents, our main goal has always been and will always be to embrace the uniqueness and individuality of our children. We are their biggest cheerleaders, helping them grow, thrive, and know the deep blessing they are to us. Each child is gifted with their own strengths and interests, and it is our mission to create a loving, safe space where their creativity can flourish and where they always feel comfortable sharing their hearts, passions, and dreams. We promise to provide a joyful, loving home where they can be silly, radiate their true selves, and feel completely at peace. We are beyond excited to continue this beautiful journey and add another child to our family, creating lasting memories and traditions that will span the years. We cannot begin to fully understand the selfless and brave choice you have made in choosing adoption for your child, but we hope that, as you get to know us, you will find comfort, support, and reassurance in each step of this journey. Sincerely, Matthew & Brittni
By Brittany Carvalho November 23, 2024
Hello & Thank You , First and foremost, we want to express our heartfelt gratitude for considering us as adoptive parents for your child. We can only imagine how difficult this decision must be, and we want you to know that your love and concern for your child’s future are deeply admired and appreciated. Our names are Claudia and Anthony. We have been together for eight years, married for six, and have known each other for more than twenty-five. Adoption has always been in our hearts. Our plan was to have a biological child first and then adopt, but God had a different plan. In 2020, we experienced a missed miscarriage, and despite trying again naturally, we were unable to conceive. We explored IVF and fertility treatments, but those were also unsuccessful. This path ultimately led us to adoption and to our greatest blessing, our daughter Lucianna, who joined our family in 2023. She is surrounded by love and brings us so much joy every single day. She cannot wait to be a big sister, and we cannot wait to grow our family again through adoption. If you choose us, your child will always know their adoption story and the incredible love and courage behind your decision. From an early age, they will know their adoption story and grow up knowing how truly loved they are by both you and us. We are committed to providing a nurturing, supportive, and joy-filled home. Your child will be surrounded by a large, loving family, supportive friends, and endless opportunities to learn, grow, and follow their dreams. Most importantly, they will always know they are deeply loved and cherished. Thank you again for considering us as part of your adoption plan. We are ready to welcome another child into our family with open arms and an abundance of love. With sincere appreciation and warmest regards, Anthony & Claudia
By Brittany Carvalho November 22, 2024
Hello & Thank You , Although we haven't met yet, we have been praying for you. We can only begin to imagine the emotion of your situation, and hope that you feel loved and supported no matter where you are on this journey. We respect your strength and your selflessness for considering adoption. We understand that you want what is best for your precious baby, and we do too, whether with you, with us, or with another great family. We are Carrie and Garot, from Wisconsin, and we are honored to be considered to raise your child. After initially meeting in college, we have been happily married for six years. We were blessed with a pregnancy, but at 23 weeks experienced a rare complication that led to the heartbreaking loss of our daughter and placed Carrie in the ICU for a month. Thankfully, she has fully recovered; however, future pregnancies would still carry the same risk. In 2023, we welcomed our daughter Gianna home through adoption. We look forward to her becoming a big sister in the future and to them being able to share their adoption stories with each other. We believe adoption is not about finding a child for a family, but more about finding a family for the child. You will always be a part of your child's family, and we will always respect the decisions you make for your child. We want to thank you for considering us to be part of your story and your child's story. We promise that you will be honored, cherished, and celebrated each day of your child's life. In our home, your child will be loved unconditionally by us, our daughter, our dogs, our families, and our friends. We can't wait to read bedtime stories, visit the zoo, swing on the swings at the park by our home, attend their first recital or sporting event, bring them to their first day of school, and support them throughout all of their accomplishments. It is our goal that your child grows up happy, healthy, kind, and generous. We have always dreamed of having a large family, and we are looking forward to continuing to grow our family through adoption. We want to thank you for considering us as adoptive parents for your child! Sincerely, Garot & Carrie
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