Adoption is a complex and emotional decision for everyone involved. Although people mean well, comments like “Why did you give up your baby?” “Do you miss your real parents?” and “How much did you have to pay?” aren’t helpful.

Understanding and avoiding negative comments goes a long way in helping everyone feel safe and loved. Using respectful language is vital not only for those directly in an adoptive relationship but also for those on the outside. 

Let’s examine some of those inclusive phrases that may help everyone become more comfortable with adoption.

Misunderstood Adoption Terms

The concept of adoption has been around for centuries. Only recently have experts begun to honestly look at how adoption affects not only the biological parents but also the adoptee and adoptive parents as well. 

A century ago, a phrase like “put up for adoption” was common to refer to adoptees. Orphan trains operated from the late 19th century through the early 20th century, transporting children from the crowded cities in the East to towns in the West. 

Children were put up on a stage or steps where potential adoptive parents could get a good look at them. Often, parents would choose them for their ability to work a farm or ranch.

The terms “give up” or “give away” were used when a birth mother had no idea who adopted their children or where they went. Unwed pregnancies brought shame to a family. 

Society assumed that a young woman would willingly give her child away to “save face.” However, both she and her child suffered greatly from not knowing their true identity and adoption circumstances.

Other phrases, such as “real parents,” are hurtful to adoptive parents who have lovingly and sacrificially raised their adoptive children. They are not the biological parents, but that doesn’t make their family any less “real.”

In turn, adoptive parents must not refer to their children as “our adopted children.” Regardless of whether they have biological children or not, all children in their family should be valued, loved, and nurtured. 

Adoption Phrases You Should Use

As adoption hopefully becomes more mainstream and acceptable, understanding the correct adoptive terms is critical. Adoption stigma is, unfortunately, very real in the 21st century. 

Family, friends, and even clergy heavily criticize birth mothers for choosing adoption over parenting. As a result, many women often feel their only option is abortion because they have no other support.

Some adoptees struggle deeply with feelings of rejection and emotionally struggle with their birth mother’s decisions. Referring to them as “orphans” or without “real parents” can be traumatizing.

Others accuse legitimate adoption agencies and adoptive couples of being industries that take babies from mothers for personal gain or profit. Society has much to learn. 

Phrases to Use:

• Instead of “give up,” “give away,” or “put up,” use the phrases “make an adoption plan” or “place a child for adoption.” A birth mother today can choose the adoptive family for her child. She creates a plan that will give them the life she wants them to have.
• Instead of saying “real parents” or “natural parents,” use the phrases “biological parents” or “birth parents.”
• Instead of saying a child “is adopted,” say “was adopted.”
• Instead of an “unwanted” or “illegitimate” child, refer to them as “unexpected” or “unplanned.”
• Instead of saying birth parents “relinquished,” “surrendered,” or “abandoned” their child, say they chose to “Complete the adoption” or “Place the child through adoption."

About Adoption Angels

Adoption Angels is a licensed adoption agency regulated by the Texas Department of Family and Protective Services. We are required to follow and meet the minimum standards for a child-placing agency as set forth by the Child-Care Licensing Division. However, we never provide just the “minimum.”

Our team goes above and beyond. We are genuinely devoted to the birth families, adoptive families, and adoptees we work with. As part of our work, we want to educate others about adoption and the many benefits it can offer.

If you are a woman who has recently discovered an unexpected pregnancy and wishes to know more about our adoption services, please complete our Confidential Contact Form. For couples considering adoption, please fill out our Start the Process form.

We look forward to meeting with you soon.